I made my fourth attempt at meditation last week &, as with two of the three attempts before it, I fell asleep on the floor.

I have a hunch that this isn’t how it should be. I also have a hunch that I shouldn’t be having dreams about Mel Torme sitting at the end of a long dining table, illuminated by a single spotlight & asking me over & over again where the god damn salt was.

To clarify, I’m not being a complete dope about the meditating process. I am sitting upright, alone in a quiet space, attempting to channel my energies in a positive way & ‘calm my being’. I don’t wait until just before bed, when I’m sure to be exhausted. No, I am not overly full. No, I am not high (what up, future employers who Googled my name!). But every time I sit down and close my eyes, one of two things happens:

1. I think about the 10,000 other things that I should be doing instead of sitting on my ass, literally trying to think of nothing.
2. I fall asleep. With Mel Torme.

I decided that a little research was in order, & set off to that great book boon in the sky, Amazon.com. Entering “meditate” on their handy little search bar, the breath was sucked from my lungs when Amazon returned this:

72,250 BOOKS!!! ON MEDITATE!! One book – Royal Zen Garden – cost $2,459.47. $2,459.47!! USED!! I’m sorry, but unless I open that book & Jack’s fucking beanstalk pops out there is no way I can even conceive paying 2.5K for a book on meditative gardening.

Overwhelmed by Amazon (& totally guilty of judging books like this one by their covers), I opted instead to contact The School of Metaphysics, a facility far better equipped to help me with my meditation difficulties than a book that costs MORE THAN I EARNED IN THE WHOLE OF LAST YEAR possibly could.

I had a long post of the counsel the SOM had offered me, but they asked to review the material before I posted it on-line, & after a week of not hearing back from them, I’ve decided to simply forgo their quotations. I can tell you that they gave me lots of advice about meditation being a progressive process, not something you can just, well, do, & that I would be a lot better off working with a teacher than I would sitting in my apartment, alone with the centipedes.

They also referred me to a FREE yoga class taking place on the very block on which I live, an opportunity I was all to happy to learn of. So it was that, pumped up & equipped with my roommate’s adorable gray yoga pants, I opted to make a move away from meditation & ready myself for a morning of bodily contortion with random strangers in my first ever yoga class. Whee!

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